Turn Back

The world nearly ended tonight. Time stood still for a moment and the final goodbye was in sight. I almost lost a friend...

The life of my friend became too much for her to handle, at least for a moment, and she acted on it accordingly. I refuse to get into the details of her actions, now or ever, because they're her own and only her own. But I love her life as much as I love all of yours and for whatever reason, I feel like there was more I could have done. She's intelligent, attractive, compassionate, humble, and selfless, and we almost lost a truly special spirit tonight.

For those close to the situation, the period that follows this moment is when they look at everything in the room but see nothing. We wonder how it is we could have allowed this to happen. We speculate that it was somehow our fault, that if we were able to get to the phone quicker, or if we had used a different adjective at the appropriate time, somehow things would have gone by in an ordinary fashion and tomorrow we'd be talking about the Red Sox rather than trying to convince someone that they're abnormally normal.

I am 32 years old and I'll freely admit that for a minute or maybe an hour, I considered the ultimate ending as my natural path. So have you. And so have you. It's part of learning and healing. You lay on your couch and you cry and you wallow in wonderment how you let something get the best of you. You openly doubt how things could possibly get any better. You see no hope for improvement and convince yourself that the life of shit you're surrounded by will never subside. So you decide, if only for a moment, that the world without you is a better place than the world with you. You sit in the middle of everything unfamiliar and detach yourself from everyone that cares about you...

...and then you sleep. You wake up and notice that things feel 1% better than they did the night before. Weeks later, you sit in amazement that you allowed the world to take you out, if only for a day. You segregate yourself from those things and people that had the audacity to try to convince you that you didn't matter. Maybe you take the liberty of talking to someone. Maybe you find the strength to turn the corner on your own. Maybe you just say "Fuck it". But you get better and look back and come to the realization that that particular day was the worst it was ever going to get, and you got through it, and with that comes a sense of strength and power.

I know it seems like this is how it's always going to be. It's not even close. You're multi- talented and if you think the people that you've touched over your life wouldn't be devastated if you were no longer here, ask someone for a favor and see how long it takes them to show up on your doorstep. I know this much: I'd be holding the door for them. I'm going to be here for you every day that you need me, for as long as you need it. Don't ever scare me like that again.

I implore those of you reading to talk to me, to talk to anyone, if you feel like the world has beaten you down.

I almost lost a friend today... and I'll never be the same. I love you all.