The world nearly ended tonight. Time stood still for a moment and the final goodbye was in sight. I almost lost a friend...
The life of my friend became too much for her to handle, at least for a moment, and she acted on it accordingly. I refuse to get into the details of her actions, now or ever, because they're her own and only her own. But I love her life as much as I love all of yours and for whatever reason, I feel like there was more I could have done. She's intelligent, attractive, compassionate, humble, and selfless, and we almost lost a truly special spirit tonight.
For those close to the situation, the period that follows this moment is when they look at everything in the room but see nothing. We wonder how it is we could have allowed this to happen. We speculate that it was somehow our fault, that if we were able to get to the phone quicker, or if we had used a different adjective at the appropriate time, somehow things would have gone by in an ordinary fashion and tomorrow we'd be talking about the Red Sox rather than trying to convince someone that they're abnormally normal.
I am 32 years old and I'll freely admit that for a minute or maybe an hour, I considered the ultimate ending as my natural path. So have you. And so have you. It's part of learning and healing. You lay on your couch and you cry and you wallow in wonderment how you let something get the best of you. You openly doubt how things could possibly get any better. You see no hope for improvement and convince yourself that the life of shit you're surrounded by will never subside. So you decide, if only for a moment, that the world without you is a better place than the world with you. You sit in the middle of everything unfamiliar and detach yourself from everyone that cares about you...
...and then you sleep. You wake up and notice that things feel 1% better than they did the night before. Weeks later, you sit in amazement that you allowed the world to take you out, if only for a day. You segregate yourself from those things and people that had the audacity to try to convince you that you didn't matter. Maybe you take the liberty of talking to someone. Maybe you find the strength to turn the corner on your own. Maybe you just say "Fuck it". But you get better and look back and come to the realization that that particular day was the worst it was ever going to get, and you got through it, and with that comes a sense of strength and power.
I know it seems like this is how it's always going to be. It's not even close. You're multi- talented and if you think the people that you've touched over your life wouldn't be devastated if you were no longer here, ask someone for a favor and see how long it takes them to show up on your doorstep. I know this much: I'd be holding the door for them. I'm going to be here for you every day that you need me, for as long as you need it. Don't ever scare me like that again.
I implore those of you reading to talk to me, to talk to anyone, if you feel like the world has beaten you down.
I almost lost a friend today... and I'll never be the same. I love you all.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Growth Exercise
Today's exercise is a list. I encourage all of you folks at home to try it on your own. It may just save you $900 in therapy. Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to write 12, 15, 60 things that you've wanted to say to someone but haven't been able to. Perhaps you didn't get a chance to. Maybe you haven't because of fear of what the retribution might be. I've done this before in the old days, but there are different people around, and we've had different experiences, and so here I am...
1) You turned it upside down, but I'll never hate you. After all, it was probably my fault.
2) I told you everything else, but I never told you how I really felt about it, and now it's too late.
3) You left my life too early. I should have appreciated our friendship and embraced our time more while you were with us.
4) I could apologize to you every day and it wouldn't be enough. It will never be enough, even though I think you've forgiven me.
5) I give you shit every time you screw up, but stay true to yourself. I wish I was 85% you and 15% me sometimes.
6) I wish I had your style, your character, your morality. They're all going to be looking to you for answers someday, and you're going to provide them.
7) It's unfathomable to me that you keep going back to the hell you've created. Sadly, the day will come when I'm not here to pick up the pieces.
8) I'll never live up to your expectations. This has created an insecurity in me for as long as I can remember.
9) I've known you for a long time, and for the first time, I don't know who you are anymore.
10) I know you're sad and lonely, but you have to believe me on this one. The sun is gonna shine tomorrow and people will smile at you. There are many people out there who consider your happiness nearly as important as their own. It's a testament to your character.
11) I never knew how much I'd miss you. I'm five different decisions from having you still.
12) You did what you had to do, and I can't blame you. Even though I didn't agree with you, if I were you, I probably would have done it, too.
13) Thank you for being you, for never judging, for taking what I gave and never expecting anything else. Thank you for listening. You've listened to the best I've had and the absolute worst I've been, and you're still here. There's not a Hallmark card big enough.
14) I will love you for the rest of my life. Until the day I die.
15) I'm sorry...
1) You turned it upside down, but I'll never hate you. After all, it was probably my fault.
2) I told you everything else, but I never told you how I really felt about it, and now it's too late.
3) You left my life too early. I should have appreciated our friendship and embraced our time more while you were with us.
4) I could apologize to you every day and it wouldn't be enough. It will never be enough, even though I think you've forgiven me.
5) I give you shit every time you screw up, but stay true to yourself. I wish I was 85% you and 15% me sometimes.
6) I wish I had your style, your character, your morality. They're all going to be looking to you for answers someday, and you're going to provide them.
7) It's unfathomable to me that you keep going back to the hell you've created. Sadly, the day will come when I'm not here to pick up the pieces.
8) I'll never live up to your expectations. This has created an insecurity in me for as long as I can remember.
9) I've known you for a long time, and for the first time, I don't know who you are anymore.
10) I know you're sad and lonely, but you have to believe me on this one. The sun is gonna shine tomorrow and people will smile at you. There are many people out there who consider your happiness nearly as important as their own. It's a testament to your character.
11) I never knew how much I'd miss you. I'm five different decisions from having you still.
12) You did what you had to do, and I can't blame you. Even though I didn't agree with you, if I were you, I probably would have done it, too.
13) Thank you for being you, for never judging, for taking what I gave and never expecting anything else. Thank you for listening. You've listened to the best I've had and the absolute worst I've been, and you're still here. There's not a Hallmark card big enough.
14) I will love you for the rest of my life. Until the day I die.
15) I'm sorry...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Multiple Sclerosis Walk
Hello friends,
The time is drawing nearer towards the LONG walk for multiple sclerosis. First of all, I'd like to thank those that have taken their time and funds to contribute to this cause. You can't believe how much I appreciate every dollar that goes towards this fight. Please remember that without you, I'm just an idiot on a joywalk.
I don't want to guilt anyone into contributing, and I hope you believe that this isn't my intention, but I have seen some of the effects of Multiple Sclerosis up close, through the battle of my cousin. It's a harrowing disease, the cause of which still remains wildly elusive. I'm not a doctor, nor am I a scientist, so this is the only thing I can do to try to make my cousin feel a little less pain. This isn't about the time or the effort on my part. It's about the support on everyone else's.
I realize, especially in a time of escalating gas and oil prices and unemployment rates, that the value of a dollar is especially high these days, so in exchange for any donation, I will give you a ride to work on my bike, so we can all save the money. In all seriousness, if you'd like to donate your time and fundraising efforts by joining me in the walk, I'm all for it. I'll let you know what you need to do. Otherwise, please consider donating whatever you feel comfortable with and join me in the fight.
All of us are freely able to walk. We can get in and out of bed every day without assistance. These are the things we take for granted until they're not available any longer. Maybe this is the year that we find a cure. If not, I'll walk 100 miles next year.
Again, thank you for listening...
The time is drawing nearer towards the LONG walk for multiple sclerosis. First of all, I'd like to thank those that have taken their time and funds to contribute to this cause. You can't believe how much I appreciate every dollar that goes towards this fight. Please remember that without you, I'm just an idiot on a joywalk.
I don't want to guilt anyone into contributing, and I hope you believe that this isn't my intention, but I have seen some of the effects of Multiple Sclerosis up close, through the battle of my cousin. It's a harrowing disease, the cause of which still remains wildly elusive. I'm not a doctor, nor am I a scientist, so this is the only thing I can do to try to make my cousin feel a little less pain. This isn't about the time or the effort on my part. It's about the support on everyone else's.
I realize, especially in a time of escalating gas and oil prices and unemployment rates, that the value of a dollar is especially high these days, so in exchange for any donation, I will give you a ride to work on my bike, so we can all save the money. In all seriousness, if you'd like to donate your time and fundraising efforts by joining me in the walk, I'm all for it. I'll let you know what you need to do. Otherwise, please consider donating whatever you feel comfortable with and join me in the fight.
All of us are freely able to walk. We can get in and out of bed every day without assistance. These are the things we take for granted until they're not available any longer. Maybe this is the year that we find a cure. If not, I'll walk 100 miles next year.
Again, thank you for listening...
Monday, July 7, 2008
The next stage
"Any guy north of 20 starts to deal with or has already dealt with saying 'okay, it’s time to stop being really good at being a young adult and let’s have the balls to be a rookie at being an adult' and with that comes a more substantial relationship with a girl that might not be some incredible arm piece but somebody you can actually get along with longer than sleeping with her a few times. Then maybe thinking about having a kid and maybe a better job. One you might not like as much but pays better and speaks more to the future. There’s that moment when a guys got to start flirting with being a man and it’s a little scary and you’re kind of left to do it on your own. You don’t have a teacher or a father probably in the house that’s sort of motivating you to do that. That’s a lot of self-motivation."
-Jason Bateman
This piece came across my desk today, and as if acting as a proverbial beam of sunlight, sent a fatherly message straight to my nodes. You see, I had an accident this past weekend. It was serious at that moment but everything's going to be A-OK and I'm thankful for that. That's not the point of this piece. When I came into work this morning and the subject of my accident came up, my fellow sales junkie pointed out that I was like a 9 year old, complete with sill accidents and chicken pox. I couldn't argue with him. And although he didn't mean it this way, I can't help but look at myself and think that the transformation from young adult to adult has taken me longer than the normal man.
I've wanted to make this turn for a long time and I never knew what to do. I have a brother that came from the same seeds as I did and he figured it out, so it couldn't have been that my parents missed a teaching lesson somewhere along the way. Nearly all of my friends have graciously taken the leap, so we couldn't have been avoiding the subject when I was growing up. No sir, this was my problem and my problem only.
About a year ago, I began to transition from what I had been to what I should be. I took the job for less money because the prospects were better. I stopped looking at each prospective date for what she was bringing to the table for today, and more for what she may offer tomorrow. I locked myself in more, made more dinners, and finally started a savings account. I paid down bills and stopped charging senseless purchases. I bought socks at TJ Maxx instead of Polo because, after all, THEY'RE SOCKS!!
But I still have yet to make the conscious choice that my parents and friends have been silently waiting for out of me. This choice forces you to man up, say the things that need to be said to the people that need to hear it, and to take responsibility for everything around you. As terrifying as this choice is, it creates power and confidence within and forces you to become better, socially and professionally, because when the mirror looks back at you, your face is the only one that shows up.
Today is the day when everything changes.
-Jason Bateman
This piece came across my desk today, and as if acting as a proverbial beam of sunlight, sent a fatherly message straight to my nodes. You see, I had an accident this past weekend. It was serious at that moment but everything's going to be A-OK and I'm thankful for that. That's not the point of this piece. When I came into work this morning and the subject of my accident came up, my fellow sales junkie pointed out that I was like a 9 year old, complete with sill accidents and chicken pox. I couldn't argue with him. And although he didn't mean it this way, I can't help but look at myself and think that the transformation from young adult to adult has taken me longer than the normal man.
I've wanted to make this turn for a long time and I never knew what to do. I have a brother that came from the same seeds as I did and he figured it out, so it couldn't have been that my parents missed a teaching lesson somewhere along the way. Nearly all of my friends have graciously taken the leap, so we couldn't have been avoiding the subject when I was growing up. No sir, this was my problem and my problem only.
About a year ago, I began to transition from what I had been to what I should be. I took the job for less money because the prospects were better. I stopped looking at each prospective date for what she was bringing to the table for today, and more for what she may offer tomorrow. I locked myself in more, made more dinners, and finally started a savings account. I paid down bills and stopped charging senseless purchases. I bought socks at TJ Maxx instead of Polo because, after all, THEY'RE SOCKS!!
But I still have yet to make the conscious choice that my parents and friends have been silently waiting for out of me. This choice forces you to man up, say the things that need to be said to the people that need to hear it, and to take responsibility for everything around you. As terrifying as this choice is, it creates power and confidence within and forces you to become better, socially and professionally, because when the mirror looks back at you, your face is the only one that shows up.
Today is the day when everything changes.
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