I just want to be miserable

You know, I always thought it was going to be different than this. When I was much younger (very early 20s), I had it right in front of me. I was working for a CPA firm in Manchester. I was going to be a very young CPA and I was going to start my own firm by the time I was 30. I was college educated, I was in good shape and I was successful, in career and socially. Long term relationships were going to come to me and I didn't have to worry about it.

So where am I? Yesterday, in an effort to grow and become more my age, I ripped apart my domicile and started all over again. I hung curtains, mirrors, and pictures. I strategically place new plants and candleholders. I stopped just short of hanging signs that read suck things as "A house is made of brick and stone. A home is made of love alone", but just barely stopped short. I placed mats inside the front door, in front of the toilet and the kitchen sink, and one greeting you when you reach the top of the stairs. I bought a smaller TV for my room (a 11 X 12 room does not need a 32" TV). I purchased matching lamps for my room, and I might even use them.

What's the point? The point is that this was all in an attempt to remind myself that I'm a grownup now. Evidently, I need that reminder from time to time. I'm 32 years old, I'm single, and I'm unsatisfied. It's as if I haven't been taught the proper way to handle a career. I have spent the last eight years doing nothing and being content. I woke up a few weeks ago and I was single and making much less money than nearly everyone that has known me thought I'd be making.

Now, I know what you're saying to yourself, my committed reader. Money isn't always the gauge of success. If anyone understands this, it's me. But it's not as if I'm a painter or a writer. They have something to show for their efforts. I bartended for a spell while trying, feebly, to figure out what every one of my friends had figured out, and that was how to build a family. Not all of them had built a family yet, but they knew what they were doing. Well, while I was bartending, I was building friendships. Those friendships are gone and I'm left here, in what feels like square one once again. How do I get out of it? Right now, I'm doing everything a grownup is supposed to. I'm righting my wrongs.

But I'm 32 and I don't feel as if I'm 32. Strangely, when I was 22, I felt like I was 25 because I was so ahead of the curve. When I was 29, I felt like I was 25 because I was so behind the curve. I'm 32 and I still feel as if I'm 25, and this ain't a good thing.

I want to have a family and vacations and a mortgage. I want to have to fix the sink and paint the bedroom. I want to have a problem with the drainpipes, and I want to get pissed off on a January Saturday morning because I have to buy an overpriced snowblower. I want to mow the lawn with a beer on the rider. I want to bitch about my real estate taxes.

And that's why I re-did my apartment. Because a 32 year old should be a 32 year old, with a third-life crisis and all. Do you think there are other 30 somethings out there who aren't concerned with their drainpipes just yet? I hope so.