What I will, what I won't, what I did, what I didn't

When I first started this space, it was with the thought that anything that was on my mind would clutter the area. This was in an attempt to express myself, for good or bad, about that which was creating joy, anger, turmoil, remorse, or sadness. Then a strange thing happened...

I got better. I stopped worrying about if I was going to die alone and that I was the only single male over 30 in the tri-state area. I stopped clamoring over the fact that my career hadn't gone exactly to the plan posted on my college ruled notebook paper I scribbled on when I was 21. I stopped concerning myself with the regrets of yesterday and the anxiety of tomorrow and began to embrace that with which I had control, which is the 2 foot by 2 foot space which I can truly call my own.

I once had a friend tell me that I had one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow and in the process, I was pissing all over today. This sentiment resonated within me and allowed me to stay relatively worry free for a number of years. That is, until the past 18 months or so, when I began to think the philosophy of living for today, while a sound mental approach, will never get me the things I need, such as family, home, and financial stability. The truth is, neither the constant anxiety of tomorrow's concerns nor the seemingly blissful outlook of "just today" are going to create the perfectly imperfect world. It's the balance of the game that is in need of management. I'm learning that now.

I spent an inordinate amount of time firmly entrenched in the regrets of yesterday, insomuch that the energy exerted onto it wouldn't allow me to take in what was happening in front of me. It was as if I needed the world to slow down in order for me to get all of my apologies and explanations out so I could start from square one, shortly after getting all affirmations that the world, and all of it's inhabitants, was OK with me and whatever major or minor indiscretions came with me. I now know that at a point, you have to take a proverbial forearm to the desk of life, clear off the post it notes and the calendar and start anew. You'll never catch up to the things you didn't do (or did incorrectly) yesterday. Truth is, yesterday and the people in it couldn't care less if you reach out because they're concerned about what they didn't do (or did wrong) yesterday, and rightly so. And the circle continues.

It is, of course, easier said than done to hit the delete button on yesterday every morning. After all, this is what shapes you today. I have learned that although I have eaten myself up from the inside with my concern over how I'm being perceived in every social setting, this is the same trait that has allowed me to feel the warmth of unabatedly giving the small things to an unsuspecting friend. This is the trait that tells me to speak to my mother once a week, not because that what she'd want, but because it keeps me grounded and in touch with what's important.

Not all bad has come out of the continual feeling that someone, somewhere thinks I'm downright nefarious. It allows me to think twice before toeing the line in the future. Although looking over your shoulder for what you suspect will be demons from behind you can be a daunting, unending punishment, it's important to peer back there, if for nothing more than to remind you why you're not still there. It's healthy. That is, unless you turn all the way around and make the slow trek backwards. Embrace today. The actions of today affect the world of tomorrow, but be selfish in the understanding that they affect nobody more than oneself, and if you can look in the mirror and smile, then you did it right.

The demons of past will have to stay there, because I've built a wall. I'm beginning to learn what it means to live today into tomorrow instead of the other way around. I'll get there, as I hope you will, too.

If you have a feel on this (that is, if there's anyone out there), leave a comment. I'd love to hear it.